Loneliness vs. solitude – two travelers boarding the same flight with very different journeys. One sorrowfully stares out the window enveloped by the growing distance between them and what they know, while the other gazes out onto the horizon embracing the peace and grand possibilities ahead. Loneliness is not about physical solitude; it’s a desire for connection when you feel its absence. This article is not about avoiding loneliness, instead it’s to help reframe time by yourself as cherished alone time and that may help shift your mindset from isolation to empowerment.
From Feeling Lonely to Feeling Whole
I have experienced great waves of both loneliness and solitude throughout my life.
Into my early 20’s, I didn’t know what to do with myself. The desire for friends and fitting in was greater than respecting myself and my time. I didn’t challenge myself or seek out new interests. Instead, I leaned into and chased a slew of bad habits trying to feel comfortable. I was deeply insecure while being charismatic and outgoing. I had no sense of self, yet the desire to feel seen and accepted was palpable.
Then I spent 12 years living alone in my own apartment. That time alone granted me a deeper understanding of myself, my passions, my interests, my boundaries. Solo travel both expanded and fortified my intuitions. These two periods of “alone” time were some of my most exponential shifts personal growth.
The Loneliness I Never Saw Coming
A few years later when my partner and I moved to Austria, after an epic adventure in Botswana together. He jumped back in routine and I was caught completely off-guard when I fell into a deep state of loneliness. Looking back, I’m not that surprised it came when it did.
COVID was still being figured out, everyone’s nerves were frayed, and I was an outsider living amongst a culture that is generally more reserved, with limited language skills and feeling dependent on my partner. We were struggling to communicate and understand eachother.
My friends “at home” couldn’t relate to my perils. Their thoughts… you’re abroad in a beautiful place; how lucky you are to be living your best life.
I couldn’t convey just how utterly lost and overwhelmed I was- craving connection and reeking of desperation.
I am incredibly fortunate to have people who care about me and who I love in life, but this doesn’t mean we were on the same page. The connection felt split. I felt lonelier than I had felt in years. Lonelier than living and traveling alone.
The Disconnect From Ourselves
My partner asked me the other day, “how do you truly know another person?”
It made me think of the years it took me to figure this out…
If you don’t know yourself, how can anyone else truly know you?
Loneliness can be internally fueled when we are disconnected from our true selves. It can also arise when we feel unseen, unheard, or unaccepted by the people around us. Either way, there is a break in the chain.
We’ve learned to fill our lives with distractions and seek companionship and validation from others to feel complete. We hold tight to these ingrained beliefs that we are somehow lacking without someone else. Sure, exclusion can externally exacerbate loneliness, as well as rejection but this is only if we grant it that power.
The Comfort of the Familiar
Traveling and living abroad can easily prompt homesickness where our loneliness is really rooted in missing the comfort of the familiar. It could be the company of loved ones, a sense of home, or just ease of communication. When we wish to share a laugh, a cry, an observation, or a frustration, we wish for a moment to relate to someone else.
How Alone Time Can Strengthen Your Inner Connection
Our desire for connection far too often is based on what we feel is missing from within. And this, my friend, leads me to solitude.
Loneliness is the pain of being alone and solitude is the glory of being alone.
Solitude offers us the greatest gift- time and space for reflection. When solitude is a chosen state of being, it gives us the most scrumptious insights into our goals, desires, needs, creativity, and authenticity. It can build resilience, boost self-confidence and nourish our souls.
Being left alone to sit with ourselves can feel raw and disorienting at first, but reflection is our superpower. Let it become that spark that lights you up. When you glow from within, you don’t need others to stoke your fire. When you glow from within, others will gravitate towards your light.
30 Questions to Embrace Your Alone Time
Vision & Desire
1. What interests, hobbies, or passions do I want to spend more time doing?
2. I’ve always wanted to learn how to ____________. What is one small step I can take to try it?
3. What can I do to feel great about my day by the time I go to bed?
4. What energizes me and gets me excited? How can I add more of that into my life?
Presence and Peace
5. How does a perfect day of quiet contentment look for me?
6. What does relaxation bliss look like to me?
7. How can I observe and embrace my environment and the world around me in greater detail?
8. When do I feel completely comfortable just being myself?
9. How can I create more of those moments?
Goals & Growth
10. What personal goals would I like to achieve today? This week? This year? This life?
11. How can I start working towards those now?
12. What area of my life would I like to grow in?
13. What’s one small shift I can make?
14. Are there any behavioral patterns showing up recently in my life that I should examine?
15. If fear was not a factor, what would I be doing?
16. When was the last time I felt empowered by doing something on my own? What was that? How can I do more of that?
Relationships
17. When I’ve been in relationships, what parts of myself did I miss, ignore, or compromise?
18. Am I communicating my needs, wants, and desires in a way they understand?
19. How can I pursue my wants and desires and honor my own needs?
20. If I have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone (family, friends, social media, society…), what would bring me joy?
21. Am I sacrificing my own well-being maintaining this relationship?
22. Do I feel this person values and respects me and my time?
23. Is this relationship reciprocated?
Social Choices & Mindfulness
24. What are my real intentions for going to this party/museum/gallery/bar/event?
25. What do I truly want to gain from this experience?
26. What’s the worst that could happen if I started a conversation with a stranger?
27. Will scrolling social media improve my mood or make me feel more connected OR more isolated and guilty for the time spent on it?
Self-Worth & Reflection
28. How can I accept myself as I am- the ever-changing, ever-growing dynamic being I am?
29. How can I make my relationship with myself more extraordinary?
30. I will ultimately spend my entire existence with myself, how can I embrace me as my best friend, greatest ally, and my most loving and trusted companion?
Your Next Step Toward Empowered Alone Time
Solitude gives us space to tune into ourselves. Alone time can foster creativity, spark curiosity, grow confidence, and gain clarity about what we truly value. These questions aren’t there to fix anything, but to discover most unique and beautiful self. Next time you feel that pang of loneliness, try turning inward with kindness and instead outward with yearning. Your life will be extraordinarily better living in your own company.
Loneliness can keep you stuck, but solitude can set you free. Together, we can discover ways to turn quiet moments into your greatest source of strength. Book a free 25-minute Travel Mindset Coaching call today.
